Jokes n' Humor
The Magic Lamp
Bob is sitting at a bar and pulls out a tiny piano and a little guy about a foot tall. The little guy sits down and starts playing the piano quite nicely. The fellow on the next bar stool, Larry, looked over and said, "That's amazing! Where did you get him? Bob said, "Well I got him from this magic lamp." So Larry says, "that's great could I use it?" Bob says, "Sure." and hands him the lamp. Larry rubs the lamp and out comes the genie. He says I want a million bucks. Suddenly the room is entirely filled with quacking ducks. Larry exclaims, "Hey I asked for 1 million BUCKS not DUCKS!" Bob explained, "Ya, the genie is a bit deaf. You don't think I really asked for a twelve inch pianist do you?"
State Fair
My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.
We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, 'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'. My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, 'THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'. My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW! That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'. My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow."
My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
Golfing
A guy walks into a doctors office with a 5 iron wrapped around his neck and a black eye.
"What happened to you?", asked the doctor.
"Well it all started when my wife and I were golfing and by accident she hit the ball into a cow pasture. When we went to investigate, I saw the ball stuck in a cows behind. I went and lifted the tail of the cow and that's when I made my mistake."
The doctor looked puzzled and asked, "What mistake was that?"
"I said Hey this looks like yours hun!"
The Bear and the Rabbit
There once lived a bear and a rabbit that disliked each other. One day while arguing in the forest, they discovered a magic lamp. The bear quickly rubbed the lamp and out came a genie who proceeded to grant each of them three wishes.
The bear went first and he said, "I wish all the other bears in this forest were female". And he got his wish.
The rabbit said, "I want a motorcycle helmet". And he got his wish.
The bear went up and said, "I wish that all the other bears in the nearby forests were female as well". And he got his wish.
The rabbit said, "I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet". And POOF, he was sitting on a new Harley.
The bear said, "I wish to be the only male bear in the WORLD and all the rest females". And he got his wish.
Then it was the rabbits turn and he said, "I wish that bear was gay!" and rode off on his bike.
The Farmers Idea
A farmer is lying in bed with his wife when he turns to her, grabs her breasts and says, "Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow". Then he grabs her butt and says, "Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens". She turns to him smiles, grabs his penis and says, "Honey if you could get this up I could get rid of your brother".
The Lawer's Wife
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a
client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to
the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night
to be getting home is this?
Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it."
And on: And on: And on:
Too shattered to play his usual role in this
familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of
whiskey and headed off for a long
hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as
he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife
answered and was told that her husband's
client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all, Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally; realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and
give him the good news. As she
opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband,
bent over naked, and drying his legs and feet! "They're not hanging
Wright tonight," she said.
To which he whirled around and screamed,
"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN,
DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!"